Choose Joy or Choose Divorce

(OK, I feel the need for a disclaimer, both for my readers AND for my friends and family who may one day read this. This post title is in jest. DH is not filing papers. I kid. I joke. I promise, my marriage is great. Now enjoy the satire.)

I can’t believe the emotions that I’m going through — and the fact that I am apparently a doomsday pregnant woman shocks me. I always thought I was pretty level-headed, and I’ve always been an optimist.

But every possible negative outcome is running through my brain.

• I’m not actually pregnant.
• I’m going to have a miscarriage.
• I’m going to have a good ultrasound and then I’m going to lose the baby.
• The baby will have an abnormality.
• The baby will be fine and there will be a complication during labor.
• The baby will be born healthy but we’ll discover a problem later.

The truth is, all of that could happen. And I still wouldn’t regret being pregnant now, with THIS BabyBug. And to continue telling truths: there’s nothing I could do to cause or prevent any of the above. There’s nothing that my doctors can do to reassure me 100% at any point. And if something were to go wrong, I’d rather look back knowing that I was happy and at peace than all riled up and tense.

Things came to a breaking point this week. Again, remember that I’m just barely 4 weeks pregnant. But I can’t stop reading — stories of women who found out at their ultrasound that the baby never formed, or of women who lost their baby at 12 or 13 weeks (after telling everyone). I’m learning about premature labor stories and stillbirths and chromosomal abnormalities and more.

And I’m telling DH about every single thing.

So he told me something, in no uncertain terms (which is something in and of itself, because he’s a pretty calm guy).

CHILL THE F*CK OUT. CHILL. SERIOUSLY, CHILL.

Wise words.

So, I’m vowing to chill, and I really do mean it. If there were something else I could do to ensure my baby’s safety and health, I’d do it. But I’m doing everything right so far, so it’s time to enjoy.

I’m choosing joy, for as long as I can. I’m choosing to be thankful, and remember how blessed I am, and give BabyBug every bit of positive energy and love I can, because in the end, I’d rather know that that’s how he/she felt in my womb than wondering if he/she felt all of my woes and worries.

Also, I don’t want to get divorced.